Disclosure

Yesterday I disclosed to a very good friend the fact that I went through a conversion process. I gave her the whole rundown you see in my introduction. For all the weight that accompanies the experience I went through, disclosure tends to be anticlimactic. This isn't the first time with me. For all the fear I have about someone "catching" me and discrediting who I am again, friends respect me for who I am regardless of whether I was born with all the right "paperwork" or not. She wasn't surprised or shocked. And I was almost disappointed. I think I'm on the brink of seeing this whole identity/experience differently now that I see it's not such a big deal to some people. Maybe in some ways I've blown it up bigger than I can deal with.

Does the fact that her lack of surprise surprises me mean that I personally view converts differently?

I don't know. I have many friends who are very commmitted Jews who converted in. And once I'm convinced (it doesn't take long) that they are living (or trying to live) an observant lifestyle, I consider them kindred.

A discussion for another time, but most of the converts I've known, I've felt in my heart were Jewish even before they finished the necessary (and potentially beautiful) step of mikveh. There are the odd ones who don't really care so much about mitzvot. I don't feel kindred with them. And I suppose I feel threatened by the fact that they are able to convert in. It makes things confusing and hurts the reputation of gerim in general.

(On the other hand, that non-observant conversion could be one step towards growing towards an Orthodox one. IF that's the right thing. IF the beit din doesn't ask so much that the person no longer wants to be Jewish. Is it fair to ask baalei teshuvah to go slow and take one step at a time, but that converts need to go all or nothing?)

There are a million tracks this entry could take me down, but I'm going to stop here and leave them for another time.